During my 1.5 years in Peru I had four hot showers. Two of which I got electrocuted during the shower from the makeshift water heater. The rest were all ice cold. I learned to be okay with the cold water piercing my skin every morning. However, I remember thinking “I will never take for granted the chance to take a hot shower again.”
It's been 10 years since I lived in Peru. Sure there are some quick showers rushing to get ready, but almost every time I think, “how lucky am I to have a hot shower today?” and think of all those Peruvian women who may never have that wonderful experience in their lifetime.
I've always thought, "maybe that's how it will be if I ever get pregnant. This time of waiting will make me so grateful for the chance to have children if it ever comes."
As many of you know, we have been trying to conceive for almost three years. It has been a difficult road.
I have many a journal entry trying to wrap my mind and heart around my experience. I included one in the footnotes for any interested in the workings of my mind or if you are going through something similar and need to relate - know I feel for you.
Obviously, even with my cathartic journaling, exercise, professional counseling, and prayer I still had my ups and downs in this journey.
In one particular weekend I was having a hard time. I was grappling with how to keep having faith even when I don't see our situation changing soon. We had just experienced a failed IUI and I felt like I didn't have the support or strength to keep going through the difficulties I was facing, and definitely didn't feel like my heart could take another heartbreak.
I started to wonder what blessings I receive for my covenants with Jesus Christ. As a member of His restored church on earth today.... Why am I doing this?
A selfish question to ask, but at this time, I just felt like I needed to know.
We actually ended up asking and chatting with our bishop because I felt like me and Sam were just kind of out of answers. For me, it wasn’t even about getting pregnant or not/having our miracle happen or not.
For me, I felt that it was just wanting to know how do I survive the trial? Where do I find relief in my suffering? Where is the support and strength of the Lord to help me in times of need. I knew deep down that what we are facing is difficult, but I also knew that we would most likely face things more difficult than this in the future. I felt that I needed to know how to be okay when I not only don’t get what I want, but also how to be okay when it is really, really difficult.
Explaining to our bishop, I said, “I just feel like I know I need help and no one will help me with what I’m going through."
And this is the part where I’m like, “okay wow I’m the biggest whiner in the world....” And start to honestly rethink everything about my personality. I KNOW there are so many who have it so much worse than this... but for me, these truly were my thoughts.
How do I be okay in my faith and in my life even when I feel unsupported by the Lord?”
Here are some of the answers I received:
1) Jesus Christ is relief.
I realized it is through our prayers and relationship with Jesus Christ that we receive help, but also, It is through OTHERS. And honestly, I think sometimes that is the ONLY way to receive relief. We just have to be willing to act on promptings and help each other out.
For me, this looked like the following:
- a friend asking if I wanted to go walking with her one morning. Our conversations and talks were so uplifting and connecting that my heart didn't feel so heavy after
- my sister sending a good talk
- another friend bringing over brownies with her kids, just cause
- a friend calling from out of state just to say hi and catch up, then listening to me cry
- a friend calling and chatting on the phone, sharing with me personal challenges she was going through and crying and suffering together
- someone at work telling me I was doing a good job
- meeting up with a friend for lunch
- my mom calling just to listen
These were little things, but I realized on the days that others reached out to serve me, I found relief from my trials and in turn, relief from the Savior. I loved listening to this talk to understand more.
2) Our covenants give us access to Christ
The one question that I feel I still did not completely understand was, “What blessings do I receive from my temple covenants with the Lord.” Like, why did I make them and what are they for?
I took this question to conference as I really wanted to receive an answer.
Wow. Did receive my answer. Sam knew of my question because we had many discussions about it. He said there were only 6 talks in the entire conference session that did not hit that question square on the head.
All who spoke said, “Our covenants are about relationships. They are not transactions, but transformations to receive power and have a relationship with Jesus Christ."
“Our reward for keeping covenants with God is Heavenly Power.”
“Its not the course alone, but the companionship w/the Savior.”
“Increased access to Jesus Christ.”
“Each person who makes covenants in baptismal fonts and in temples—and keeps them—has increased access to the power of Jesus Christ. …”
“The reward for keeping covenants with God is heavenly power—power that strengthens us to withstand our trials, temptations, and heartaches better. This power eases our way.” - Nelson
Though it doesn't take away our suffering, our access and relationship to Christ eases our burdens and allows us to handle them with His power.
On a rough morning Sam texted me this poem he wrote, which I feel sums up the relationship covenants allow us to have with Christ.
“Through my hills and valleys
Every storm-tossed sea,
I can feel my Savior
So close to me.
He leads me forward
Through paths unknown,
And when my strength is gone, He heals my weary soul
And shows me who I could be.
He stays with me”
- Sam
In addition to these lessons learned, we also had many small assurances that in one way or another, things would work out.
One of the most significant was not mine, but my husband's experience. It was during our worship at the Detroit temple. He was reading in the Book of Mormon in 3 Nephi 1, he read about the sign of Christ’s birth. Samuel the Laminate had prophesied that the night would be as day, and the sun would never go down. However, many of the people began to say, “the time is far past.” And that the people who were waiting for the sign should be put to death. As the story goes, right as they were about to be put to death the sign was given, and the sun never went down. God kept His promise.
Sam said that felt a little bit like our journey. The "time is past" for us to get pregnant naturally/conceive our own child. As he was reading and praying, he received the impression from the Lord, “I know the time of your sun.” And felt that our time to have a child would come. And it was on a timeline known to the Lord.
From then on, this impression and story became a source of hope for us. And, our theme song became, "Here Comes the Sun." by the Beatles. Each time I listened to it or it came up, year after year, it brought me hope that God knew the timing of our journey - regardless of when or how it happened.
So, after two surgeries, multiple rounds of Clomid, and a failed IUI, we were beginning IVF. I saw this sign in a little boutique, and even though I felt like there could be miracles, I loved that this said with certainty, they would come.
Footnotes & Resources:
“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.” - Rumi
Journal Entry - July 16th, 2023
"I think in some ways I thought I would become better from this experience... whereas in a lot of ways I just feel that I’ve gotten beat up. Trodden down. I think focusing on gratitude made me a better person. I think learning to focus on others and not myself made me a better person. But I’m not sure being anxious and mad and bitter and afraid of not ever having kids has made me better... you know?
So I guess the question is, giving myself power again, how CAN I make this experience be something that makes me better, and not bitter?
I think first and foremost is the gratitude part. Realizing and recognizing maybe God is giving me everything that I ever wanted?
Second, exercise. Just training for the triathlon has helped me realize how much better I feel and how much less anxiety I have.
Third, remember and involve God with me. Remember I am not walking this trial alone, that I have no one to be mad at because He has a purpose for all of this.
Fourth, stop beating myself up. Positive self talk and treat myself kindly. Once again,
Guilt has an important role as it awakens us to changes we need to make, but there are limits to how far guilt will help us.
“Guilt is like a battery in a gasoline-powered car. It can light up the car, start the engine, and power the headlights, but it will not provide the fuel for the long journey ahead. The battery, by itself, is not sufficient. And neither is guilt.” - Elder Neil L. Anderson
I must be intentional not to slip into negative thinking patterns and should instead focus on loving Christ and myself.
Fifth, don’t complain. There are two ways you can do life. One, is to complain and tell everyone else that they are causing you pain. Two, is to look at the bright side and take responsibility for your own happiness. If you don’t like it, change it. If I can’t change it, don’t worry about it. Try harder to NOT COMPLAIN.
FAITH IN GOD ALSO INCLUDES FAITH IN HIS TIMING.
“Sometimes Heavenly Father doesn’t work like that. Sometimes He needs you to learn something, and so He doesn’t give you everything you want. Sometimes you have to wait. Heavenly Father and the Savior know best what is good for us and what we need. So They aren’t going to grant you everything you want in the moment you want it.”
Don’t get licked by the fog, Lindy. Just because it hasn’t happened yet, doesn’t mean it will not happen. Keep having faith and keep trying to Go and Do what the Lord commanded me to do. He will provide the way and means to accomplish that which He commanded.
Sometimes we have to wait."
Thoughts from Dad while working on my painting:
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