I Am Never Getting Married

Hi there. 

One, two, three, four. Yup. Straight up four posts in a row on Instagram of people announcing they are engaged, married or having a child. Cool. 

Hands go up around the room to answer the professor's question. One, two, three, four. Yup. Literally, every single girl in this room is married beside me. The sparkle-less finger on my hand seems to stick out like a sore thumb. 

I have definitely felt the sting of being single many times in my life, as I'm sure most single-adults have. It's nothing new, it's nothing bad, but at times, it really does sting. 

Everyone gets married at different ages, everyone has different experiences. Some meet someone in their early twenties, some meet them later on in life. Culture, experience, expectations, and personality all make the process of dating and marriage differ for each of us. For some, getting married is a pressing goal that is just not attainable any time soon. For others, it may not be something they are yet yearning for, yet desire and want in their life. 

My experience of dating and getting married has been one that I have learned greatly from. There is no best (or let's be honest even good haha) dating advice, marriage advice, etc. etc. as everyone's paths and personalities are so different. 

However, I have found that listening to others' experiences, then choosing and discerning what is relevant to me has often been helpful and hope-inspiring. For that intended purpose, I am writing this today. 

There have been multiple, multiple times that I have seriously had these thoughts. 

"Maybe I am too picky" 

"Maybe I am literally crazy" 

"Maybe I am just not good enough" 

"Maybe I have too high of expectations"

"Maybe it just isn't something meant for me" 

As I experienced heartbreak after heartbreak, I seriously wondered why dating had been so tricky for me. I also felt that most of the breakups I caused myself- through miscommunications in relationships, unmet expectations, or simply breaking up with others prematurely in the relationship. 

However, when it came down to it, no matter what the rhyme or reason (or honestly more often, when there was no reason at all), I just did not feel good about moving forward in those relationships and did not feel peace about it. So via me or the other person, the relationship would end and all that was left was a bitter taste and broken heart. 

During this process of dating, I had experienced a broken engagement, as well as many other relationships that left me with a lot of doubts, insecurities, and fears regarding relationships and marriage. It is comical, but the reasoning I came to in order to explain marriage in my head as I saw people continue to get married was, "I think they just settle. I really think people just give up on what they want/are looking for and just settle and get married." That was the only way I could justify how marriage actually worked out (pretty bleak, I know haha). 

About a year ago, I feel like I reached the point where I didn't necessarily give up on getting married, but I did start to think about my life in different terms. I started to look at it with a lense of what would happen if I did not get married in the time frame I wanted. Or anytime soon. What did I want to accomplish? What kind of person did I want to be? Where did I want to spend my time and energy? 

That decision, moving forward with my life and goals, regardless of my marital status, I believe was one of the most helpful to my dating life. 

I decided to go back to school to get my Master's degree, looked for a better job, and tried to progress in social and spiritual relationships. 

Another very important thing that helped me be in a spot where I could be ready for a more committed relationship was realizing what was really important in life, and what simply was not. I thought about who I would want to go through not only the fun and exciting parts of life with, but also the struggles and monotonous aspects of life.

I graduated from college, entered the "real world" and was able to see things a little more clearly. I learned how much I valued friendships and family. I learned that some things I had been focused on- did not matter. I learned more about what I really wanted in creating the rest of my life, and  I better understood the type of person I would want by my side to do that with. 

More than anything, I learned to trust in the Lord. I reached a definite point where I felt like not only was I not dating anyone, but I also had no real sense of direction, no sign of things opening up down the road, and really no assurance that things would turn out alright in the end. I came to the understanding that regardless of expectations, desires, and things I "thought would happen" in my life, I needed to trust that the Lord was aware of me and would keep guiding me to good things and opportunities- whether that was marriage or other. 

Then I met Sam. 

To be honest, it wasn't anything out of the ordinary for a usual first date. However, I did come home that night and wrote in my journal, "wow, I forgot that first dates could be fun!" 

We continued to go on dates and each one was just that- fun. We had a good time together, enjoyed being with each other, had good conversations, etc. Dates turned into more time together and COVID-19 made sure that it turned into A LOT of time together. There wasn't anything crazy out of the ordinary, but the whole time and with each step of progression in the relationship I just felt PEACE. Something I had not always felt in prior relationships and I truly felt that pursuing the relationship with Sam was something I WANTED. I wasn't even thinking about marriage in the first stages and we were really able to just get to know each other and have fun. 

To say, however, that I wasn't terrified in dating him would be an understatement. I was nervous to put myself out there again after hurting others and getting hurt in the dating game. I had no guarantee that it would turn out well in the end and no reason to think that it would be any different than it had always been. However, it was something that I 1) felt good about 2) wanted enough that I decided to go for it. 

I am so grateful that I did. 

The dating process grew into a love for him which then grew into a desire to get married. 

THAT (the marriage) decision process, was not an easy one, and each conversation we had involved a lot of trust and faith. There was a lot of personal decision making, doubts, and fears that came up. However, in the end, we both came to the conclusion that it was we wanted and that we felt peace about moving forward. 

And here we are today. I look at how the dating journey has been for me, and the fact that I am getting married, and all I have to say is that it is nothing short of a miracle. I feel that in a lot of ways it had nothing to do with me doing anything different, but simply the fact that TIMING and personal development are very important in being able to choose someone you want to marry. 

I also know that you can trust in the Lord. I know that through little means and ways the Lord helped me to both be the person I needed to be to meet Sam, as well as led me in my life to meet him. I think of all of those heartbreaks and relationships and am SO GRATEFUL for each and everyone one of them. I was able to meet and get to know some amazing people during that time and would not be who I am today without their influence and the lessons I learned through dating them. Honestly, I feel that it all worked out in the exact perfect way it could have. 

Long story short- if you have ever felt the words, "I am never getting married." I hope you know that you are not alone. In a world of comparisons, judgment, high-achievement, and goals, it is something that is almost impossible to avoid. There are so many things (LGBTQ, divorce, disorders, mental illness, age, etc.) that may make it seem like marriage is just not in the cards for you. I hope you know that it IS though. 

This quote has hung on my wall for the last 4 years, and I do believe it is true. 

                                            (Source below, #2)

"Every ounce of effort." LOVE THAT. No matter where you are at on the dating game/marriage/single/spectrum, I hope you know that it is WORTH THE EFFORT and that God keeps his promises. Just trust that He knows what is best and has a purpose in what is going on in your life. 

“Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come.” - Elder Holland. 

Truth. 

I also LOVE this paragraph from Al Carraway's post: 

I always thought I was expecting too much in someone and that I'd eventually have to settle with some qualities. Then many years later, this guy popped up out of nowhere it seemed! (And I honestly believe he came as a blessing because of my efforts with the Lord). And we clicked just right. Because of him and his testimony and those qualities that were important to me, we find we work better as a team than we ever did on our own, and hard things in life are easier.

I'm grateful I was patient enough to wait to meet him. I'd hate to think what life would be like if I wasn't. I hate to think of life without our experiences and laughs and lessons and our baby, Gracie. I hate to think what I would have missed if I didn't trust God. Truth is, I'm not sure what kind of wife I'd be without the qualities and lessons and talents I developed while I was single and waiting because I am such a better person because of them. – Al Fox Carraway (Source below). 

 I can do nothing but echo her words- it's worth the wait. Thinking of how happy I am with Sam, all of the heartaches of the years seems to melt away and I can't imagine wanting anything else for my life and eternity. 

I believe in The Family, A Proclamation to the World. 

"The Family is ordained of God. Marriage between a man a woman is essential to His eternal plan." 

THAT is what this is all about and I know it is something Heavenly Father wants for all of his children. 

I know that He is aware of all of us and wants nothing more than for us to come home. THAT is why he has given us families and the sacred ordinance of marriage. 

Keep trusting that he will do the same for you, knows you, and LOVES YOU. 

Because it is true. 

Best, 

Lindy Clegg 

Talks that have helped me over the years: 

1) https://alcarraway.com/2015/02/06/ill-never-get-married/

2) Michael A. Goodman "Inquire Well to Marry Well" 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/199403/what-makes-marriage-work

Lynn G. Robbins, "Finding Your Sweatheart" BYU Idaho Dveotional, Feb. 12, 2002

Thomas B. Holman "Choosing and Being the Right Spouse" Ensign, Sept. 2002

Robert D. Hales, "Meeting the Challenges of Today's World . Ensign, nov. 2015