The World of Infertility
Hey there.
This is something that has been on my mind for what feels like a very. long. time.
Infertility, loss, pregnancy, miscarriage, etc.
The Story
Infertility looks sooo different for everyone. For some, it is the inability to get pregnant. For others, it is a miscarriage, for everyone, it is the inability to have children when you want to.
When we first started the journey of trying to get pregnant, it was exciting! I had a hormonal IUD that I got removed two months before we started really trying. Each month I wasn't sure what to expect and I googled symptoms and signs like none other. As the months continued to drag on, I stopped looking forward to the possibility and started to have a sinking feeling that never went away.
"I might never get pregnant."
Around 9 months of trying, I started to see a doctor to find out if there were any reasons for infertility. I did have heavy periods and cramps with my cycle and wondered if there was anything I could do to start moving down the road of treatment a little sooner.
She did an ultrasound and said everything looked fine. Gave me a list of vitamins I could take and said, "Check-in in 6 months if you still haven't gotten pregnant"
I was so mad and discouraged. It seemed like the only thing to do was wait until I hit the "magical year mark" of trying to get pregnant and then I could finally start getting help.
However, I forgot to cancel an appointment with another doctor and when the reminder call came for m my appointment, I said, "Why not go?" and see if she said the same thing.
Well, she didn't. (I think ESPECIALLY in the world of infertility, getting a second opinion or switching doctors is always a good option if you feel like you aren't getting the treatment you feel you need.)
She said that based on my symptoms I had a strong possibility of endometriosis. She said the only treatments were surgery or birth control, one of which we wouldn't want to try for obvious reasons.
I did all the other bloodwork, tests, Sam did a semen analysis, etc. to see if there were any other reasons we weren't getting pregnant.
Everything checked out.
After some debate and weighing the costs, we decided to do the surgery to see if I had endometriosis.
I did.
The doctor was able to remove everything she saw and I started the healing process.
Almost 6 months later, we've now done three rounds of Clomid before moving on to IUI, and maybe IVF or adoption.
A small ladle holder I made at an art shop when we first started trying to get pregnant, depicts the change from two to three.... I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to smash it haha. In the best, coping with emotions in a healthy way....
The Reality
The reality is that our story is both unique in many ways, but also very common in others. 20% of couples struggle with infertility. That's 1/5 people of everyone you know! Think of how many people that is, and think about how many people you know going through this. It is SO hard to open up about this issue.
This trial is definitely not unheard of but IS not talked about enough.
Every infertility story is unique. Sometimes it is 6 months, sometimes it is 6 years. I used to "feel bad" for feeling like it was such a huge trial and burden when I had "only" been trying for a year. I don't think it matters how long it takes... the waiting, uncertainty, fear to hope, and anxiety from infertility is real.
After talking with many women who have struggled with infertility, whether it be through miscarriages, having to try for 6 months, male infertility issues, or other, I want to make one thing clear.
All infertility is painful.
The desire to want to bring a life into the world without success in my mind can be almost as painful as mourning a life that was and is no longer.
It is HARD. For reasons only the individual knows, this specific trial is probably more devastating and difficult than you can imagine.
The Understanding
I learned that understanding what infertility is like opened my eyes to a whole new world of connections, friends, and empathy like I've never known before. Countless women have been so kind to tell me of their experiences, encourage me when I was discouraged, and let me know other options, opinions, and thoughts that I had not explored before.
And for some reason, being able to suffer with others has made me realize what a gift it is that we have each other to go through things like this together.
I was reading in the Old Testament the other day with my Church's "Come Follow Me" program and noted the words of Hannah, a faithful servant of the Lord struggling to have children.
couldn't eat
distressed
sad
When I read those words I felt so validated. "YES" I thought, this IS a hard enough trial that you don't want to eat, pray to God for understanding, and cry. A lot and lot of crying.
But hearing her story inspired me to want to share mine- in the hopes that someone else can know- its okay to cry. Its okay to have a really hard time. Its not okay to feel like you are facing these challenges alone.
I felt sometimes I could not relate to others because their infertility journey was different than mine (took less time, different challenges, miscarriage, they already had kids, etc.)
However, I realized that regardless of WHY they couldn't have kids at the moment, we were ALL struggling with the same thing. Why not just help each other and listen to each other? When I stopped saying, "No one I know is going through what I'm going through" and let others with ANY kind of infertility in, I felt a huge weight lifted and realized I could keep going because others were too.
The Blessings
At the beginning of the new year, I made a goal to write in a gratitude journal every day for 2022. Those goals usually die around Jan. 17th.... but this year, I kept with it.
It has been such a MIRACLE in my life to write about the blessings I do have and open my eyes to the good around me.
Sometimes, that has been the only thing to get me through the day. But other days, I realize how blessed I am to have the life I do - and even some blessings I would not have if I were pregnant/had children. Here are a few other ones:
- Getting diagnosed with endometriosis and having surgery was also a HUGE step in my health journey. I was diagnosed with IBS when I returned from my LDS mission and since then have had a lot of health problems I have been struggling with for YEARS. While the surgery didn't cure all of them, it SIGNIFICANTLY improved my symptoms... and I believe could have been a major underlying factor all along.
-An increased appreciation for the opportunity to be a mother. For a long time, I wondered how I would balance a career and motherhood, my desires and ambitions with raising children. Now, I still don't have the answers, but I know I will cherish and appreciate the chance to be a mother so much more if the opportunity ever comes.
- Such good friendships with other women. I have seen what true suffering, faith, and resilience look like through the amazing examples and other women in my life.
- Greater understanding of who Christ is.
On one particularly heart-wrenching night, I kind of lost it. I was crying and praying and just so confused at why God would do this to me. As I was in this moment of agony, I had the thought, "Would Christ cease to be Christ if I never got what I wanted?" Does God cease to be God when things don't work out?
Later, I called my dad and he helped me with my emotions to see the bigger picture. I thought, "if he were to not give me a car for my 16th birthday, would he cease to be my dad?" And building off of that, would he cease to be a good dad?
There are a million reasons why a dad would choose not to give a daughter a car for a 16th birthday. Many of them out of His control. I think what is tricky is when God doesn't give us what we want even though we believe He can.
Sometimes, I feel like the blind man or leper begging for God to heal me, and He turns away. "If you could just take away this endometriosis.... I would be healed."
Later, I called my dad and he helped me with my emotions to see the bigger picture. I thought, "if he were to not give me a car for my 16th birthday, would he cease to be my dad?" And building off of that, would he cease to be a good dad?
There are a million reasons why a dad would choose not to give a daughter a car for a 16th birthday. Many of them out of His control. I think what is tricky is when God doesn't give us what we want even though we believe He can.
Sometimes, I feel like the blind man or leper begging for God to heal me, and He turns away. "If you could just take away this endometriosis.... I would be healed."
However, as I've studied and pondered and prayed I have learned its not like that.
The Promises
God keeps His promises even when they take time. If there is ANYTHING I've learned from studying the Old Testament this year is that God is God of promises and deliverance. He kept His promises to covenant Israel. He stood by prophets and delivered them from their enemies. Why would He not keep His promises to me?
Alma 37:17 "For He will fulfill all his promises which he shall make unto you, for he has fulfilled his promises which he has made unto our fathers."
That may look like doing fertility treatments, IVF, or adoption. It might look like not having the family you thought you would. But if He has given the commandment to multiply and replenish the earth, HE IS GOING TO HELP YOU DO IT. Even when it feels like there is no one on your side.
The Acceptance
I always thought I would write this post and say, "it was a hard thing but now I am pregnant!" Unfortunately, that is not the case. We are still not pregnant and I don't know that it will happen anytime soon. A LOT of my friends who got pregnant during the time we've been trying have 10-month-old babies and are fully engaged in the world of motherhood- while in many ways, my life is the exact same.
I don't write this for pity or to be a Debby downer. The real reason, as I mentioned before, is to let you know if you or someone you know can resonate with ANY of these feelings. You are not alone.
You have a community. You have friends. You have a Savior.
I loved this quote from Elder Holland,
"When we want to cry, "where art thou" it is imperative that we remember
He is right there with us- where he has always been."
Your life can still be beautiful despite the challenges you face. The friendships, hobbies, personal growth, and progression with Sam during this time have been just that- beautiful.
Medical Mission Trip Sam and I went on together to Guatemala.
Teaching High Fitness classes!
Graduated with my MPA from BYU
New hobbies and fun!
"Enjoy every opportunity and delight in the life you have." -Kristen M Oaks
Just because things aren't happening in the timetable I want doesn't mean they aren't happening or won't happen. If you can't see the miracle, it's because you are in the middle of it. Its not over yet.
The same goes for you too.
Stick with it.
Stay faithful.
Stay hopeful.
And it will work out.
Lindy
Helpful Resources and Ideas:
- Don't Google "am I pregnant?" after ovulation. Symptoms for PMS and pregnancy are so similar it is just a waste of time. Wait until the day of your expected period to test. Saves money and stress.
- Get off instagram. Not only seeing all the births, baby pictures, and announcements is harmful to your mental health, but because of all your google searches, now the advertisements of babies, programs to help you get pregnant, and ads are everywhere. When that is all you search, that is all you see. Just get off of it.
- Stop the, "well what if we are pregnant" mentality. Plan the trips. Start the programs. Make the move. Live your life. If you get pregnant - it is a happy surprise. You can always cancel, but life is too short to live in the "what if?” Just live.
- Birth Control: ADVICE TO NEWLYWEDS OR ENGAGED FRIENDS: If you want to have kids within the next 3 years of getting married (or ever in my opinion)... DO NOT use any hormonal birth control. Condoms work just fine and hormonal birth control DOES AFFECT YOUR BODY. I can't express how many friends had a harder time only after they used birth control. It changes your body and even though the fine print doesn't say it will make a difference.... so many women struggling with infertility do.
- Set boundaries. Sometimes baby showers are really not worth the depression that comes after. Sometimes talking to that one friend really doesn't make you feel better. Find what works for you and be okay drawing lines.
- It’s okay to be happy and excited for someone who is pregnant while still being sad for your own struggles. Being excited for them doesn’t take anything away from your own suffering.
Talks and Podcasts:
All In - April 27. Cathy Burningham: Giving All to Give Birth
"Lessons from Liberty Jail"
"Let God Prevail"
"Joy and Spiritual Survival"
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